Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
