rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
