I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
