Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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