If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
