It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
