Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize