I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize