lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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