you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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