I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
