Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
