The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
