so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
