I'm going to jail i love you
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
