a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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