3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
