You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
