My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love you. Go after that dick
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
