I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
