toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
