Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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