I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
