last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
