You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
