I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
