My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
