Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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