he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
