A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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