The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
