The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
