I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
