Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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