...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
