mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
