hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize