Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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