I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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