I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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