Too much gin, very little bucket
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
