Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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