I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
