so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
