I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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