Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Pooping to opera.
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