Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
3pm strippers are depressing
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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