Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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