We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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