even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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