TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
