he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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