did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Green mimosas i think yes
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
