just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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