i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
