i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
