Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
