I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
