She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
