right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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