i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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