It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
